Guess I've reached a point, where im pissed for too long, till i can no long blog in a fashion fit to describe my exact feelings. I took my time to calm down, do some rational thinking, sort out my thoughts, came to a conclusion, and took action (staying indifferent IS an action). The popular (and by far most ineffective) way of doin things would be to Take immediate action. Im glad i didnt. However That doesnt mean i wont.

So ive heard that the seating arrangement would be changed at work. Like i give a damn. Work's just Work. Morover, where can they shift me to!? Behind the supervisors? NO WAY that's gonna happen. Right? Obviously, i thought wrong.

When i saw the seating arangement, i thought i read it the wrong way. I was sitting back to back towards the supervisors. Not like its anything bad, since ive got direct "help" out there.. but here's my rational for being cheesed off.

1. I hate being scrutinized
1. I hate the feeling that someone of authority is listening to every word i say.
1. I happen to hit my calls per hour, by MORE than what is expected
1. I do not take unnecessary toilet breaks. and my adherence is by far one of the highest.
1. I believe i do not need EXCESSIVE help.
1. I've got faith in my own Customer handling skills
1. I think i am a good worker who deserves to work independently
1. I dont even talk or gossip during office hours!! Im FUckin quiet and i just do my job damn it!
(It's all 1.s cuz i think they're all equally IMPORTANT)

To sum it all, (i dont quite care what others think), i think im doing a good job at work. No doubt i do curse n swear after i hang up the phone, I believe i have been performing to (almost) the best of my ability. There's room for improvement, but my conscience is clear that i have been trying hard. So WHY in the world am i being shifted to a "work space" that is supposedly meant for people who needs more "assistance"?? (no hard feelings as this is merely a deduction at my end).

I do NOT need any form of recognition. and my highest satisfaction comes from the 26th of each month when the pay comes in. On the other hand, shifting me there is somewhat degradatory. AND at the same time reflecting the lack of acknowledgement for my performance.
Layman: So you shift me there cuz u think i produce shit work? I try my best and you do this to me!? No? if not why the fuck so!?

Oh, you know what? I so happen be undertaking a bachelor in business MANAGEMENT, and degree holders are supposedly trained for a managerial role in the workforce. I just might know what the "managers" would say in response to any of such comments.

=Dont you idiots use any of it against me, i HAVE my rights to WRITE.=
*ahem*
"The seating RE (due to the excessive number of times it happens)-arrangent was discussed among all the supervisors, and we decided that it was best for development of individuals as well as to boost efficiency at the cluster level. In no way is one position "better" than another, because at the end of the day, everyone is still doing their own job of handling customers which is what you are employed for. NOT to chit chat.. This arrangement was designed to ensure that adequate assistance was available for newcomers (supposedly inexperienced), and to facilitate the buddy system".

Ohhh.. what a nice piece explanation. Not like any explanation was to(or would be) given, infact, i dont quite care. When u are in a hierarchy which puts you higher than others, your words count, your words has value, basically in layman "william" term, it means: "You win, I lan lan".

Here's my "1 cents" worth of what an EFFECTIVE MANAGER should be. Its rather "reportish", so skip it if u lack the brains/language. or Feel bored.

Ok, to give them a lil credit, i do know its hard to arrange a seating arrangement, and at one point of time, SOMEONE is bound to be a little unhappy.

Val's very lose definition of a manager is someone who works in the organization THROUGH people and WITH people. Managers i work with perform programmed decision making, where guidelines and rules are stated out leaving them (unfortunately) with a higher level of atonomity for nitty gritty unimportant issues.

Their job comprises of making sure operational goals are met, at the same time, ensuring that the company is profitable in the long run. A call center is also known as a COST center, so we basically skip the profitability part, and just aim at earning goodwill from our customers.

Speaking of working THROUGH and WITH people. An effective leader should not only have their GOALS in mind. There should be a good mix of "work based communication", as well as "social based communication".

As lower level managers, the span of control is wider due to the generic job scope of their under-charge. Hence, a manager must understand what motivates employees as a whole and and what perks them individually! It is preached that different customers require different handling skills. This applies to HUMAN in general. Different people react differently to things, we do not even treat our pets indifferently. Geddit.

We exist in a society of constrains, and managers are met with constrains as well. It is weighing the pros and cons, and devising a strategy which would balance out operational needs, and human psychological requirements. Ensuring that morale is kept at an equilibrium in both the long and short run. Or it may result in an even HIGHER turnover rate.

To put it blatantly, do you think that by changing the seating arrangement, the efficiency would increase? Here's how efficiency would "increase".

1.More personal emails would be spent.
2.More toilet time taken
3.perhaps even paper aeroplanes in mid air, just to convey msgs.

Anyone would know that SPEAKING is by far the most convenient AND EFFECTIVE way of putting a point accross. Be it coffee shop tallk, or Official black n white communication.

Hello, It isnt as if our targets are not met, my point being, UNDERSTAND your environment before you implement any change.

Lemme see, Ive resigned to my fate as being at the lowest level in the organiztion. (FOR NOW). One that is not entittled to any goal setting, nor decision making. My empowerment lies at the meagre waiver which i can ocassionally provide, WITH a relavant explanation. My best Answer? im providing GOODWILL. hah. SO, i shall just sit there, do my job. Remain silent. We'd see how things goes. We'd see what's the entire "environment" gonna be like. When i do NOTICE anything notable, i shall Jot it down IN MY BLOG, so ONE DAY when i am in any form of authority, i shall NOT make the same mistake.

Lesson of the day: DO NOT underestimate the importance of employee satisfaction. Especially when the job is pertaining to a front line role involving tip top morale level.

Side note:
i almost spent my time typing a resignation letter, and placing it on their table. I mean.. FUCK IT MAN! who am i kiddin. i can bloody hell find a job elsewhere, and i if i must say, i do NOT need to work if i CHOOSE not to!

However.. val's sick n tired of being a quitter. No matter how things are, i shall continue to work to the best of my ability. Lessons as such make me learn and understand WHY and WHAT SHOULD and SHOULD not be done.. as well as the considerations that should have been involved.

ALWAYS identify the leader of the pack. ALWAYS use influence, and never authority...

By the way. Blogs are afterall outlets for emotional relief. If reading this is gona make you gossip, like how bitchy joe, taiyo, michelle, fookin, xinyu, and all those BAsociety members are, Go ahead. If you hold me liable for my words. It only shows what a stinking perverted stalker you are. and you're dumb enough to believe what i say in my blog. *ne neh ni booBoo!*. Checking me out is bad enough. Checking me out and letting people know u check me out is WORST.

oh... i wont quit larrr.... where am i gona get $$ for shopping!? hehehehehehe.. Feelin betta after ranting. or like key n prisc say.. I WHINE TOO MUCH.. BUT!!! tis time its relavant ok!?

Nuff said. Im back to work tomorrow. Life goes on. bleaHhh

Suicidal Bananas

this song's ringing in my head

Banana in pyjamas they climbing up the stairs
Banana in pyjamas they chase the teddy bear
Banana in pyjamas they're walking here and there
up and down.. blah blah blah

Ok.. i dont exactly remember the Lyrics...

A suicide occured at my place
.
.
.
.
.
.

L-R: Clockwise

Bloodstains on the floorrrrrrr

Remnants of the corpse.. left hanging

the rotten carcass.

Suicide Note + Dead "skin"

Attached a suicde note along with it, so that mum/bro wldnt be left puzzeled.



hahaha..
ProJect time!! =)

Back in abit! tata!!

short post... shangrila's toilet

wanted to post up those pix which i took whilst having lunch at shangrila with prisc... guess today's not a bloggin day, no motivation to do up the pix, with or w/o the help of picasa. Why!? My heart's set on doin SOME proj... at least abit.. hmm. Suddenly feel the URGENCY. haha.. so i'd b hardworking for now.

so here's ONE of the many others

since u guys complain tt my smile's alwyas the same... have a look at me. when im NOT smiling! =)


3way mirror.. nice..


YES! i do get freaked out by it myself too

I know.. u guys prefer me when im gettin all crazy n hyped up! there u go! the REAL me! :)

CRAZY!!!!

btw. it's taken in shangrila's toilet!
hah

Gonna meet up with priscy the pig tmr.. for SHOPPING. hah. aka. priscy the zhu ba jie! why!? Cuz she's always late. so during our conversation rgd what time 2 meet tmr + Gossipy stuff.. i told her.. YOU"D DEFINATELY BE LATE!!! if u're late i'd call u ZHU BA JIE for a week! If im late, she's call me PAI GU JING!

And, she started disputing. y is she a pig??? haH. reason's simple. no doubt she's skinnier than me, she makes it an attempt 2 have a pig like photo in most photos. AND up to date. i think i've only got 1 and only 1 picture with me spotting a "PIG" face. heh. aint it obvious!?!? :P since i'm known 2 nai and william and yang as lanky val.. so be it! :P

SHOPPING tomorrow!!!
then there's work.. and ziyu's bday.. im still wondering if i shld head down... still thinking if id haf the energy and courage to go down. priscy wun b there to hlp me "zhuang dan". So, as much as i wish to. i dont think i would. hmm.. i duno... i want james to go with me.. but i dont think he can make it either. =(

we'd just have to wait till nxt time to meet then...
id b owing ziyu's present 4 a bit. ;)

Psychological VS Physical

Im like terribly horribly upset.
Why? Cuz i made James upset too.
The worst argument yet. And already im feeling like shit.
Sorry, no background info. heh.

In short. Its a psychological vs physical warfare between MYSELF and MYSELF.
i couldnt sleep that nite,
i started getting bad tempered
i have BAD dreams
i start to scratch my head (i do that when im stressed)
i bite my fingernails (a bad habit frm young WHICH happens when im tensed)
i feel itchy all over (yes, a very scratcy person indeed)
i cry (which all other girls do)

In addition, other symptoms include:
Feeling nauseous when im in lift bus mrt.
Having a bad stomach when there's no shit ANYWHERE near the rectum
Brain NOT functioning when it should
Lack of active concentration
Took close to 30mins worth of Unscheduled break, which wld Buang my adherence
Feel really upset during wrk and almost tear everytime i end a call
Not bothering 2 smile or put up a strong front.
A big hole Ulcer on my upper lip right smack infront of my vamp tooth
Having a NEW toothbrush with toothpick for bristles, makin my mouth bleed like i have my period frm more hole than one! damn it!

So.. what can i say. i totally fugged myself up. AND its all purely IN THE HEAD!
Im in one shithole now and i wana get out.

Hate it when i lose control of myself.
Back then it was worst. i had this weird spasms of asmathic breathing when i get realli agitated. Damn it... when can i ever get FULL control of myself!??! guess that's just "GIRLS". we never really DO get full ctrl.

Irregardless of it all.. Im really sorry for what happened. I really was too harsh. Sorry.. Ive prolly said it a million n one times. and i STILL AM sorry. really wonder why ppl say sorry so mani times when it doesnt reali make a difference. heh.. but i still am sayin it.. Does not imply i dont mean it yea!

It made me "scared".. Now... i really am afraid of things i say things i do...
Never thought i had the upper hand
Then i felt perhaps we were level
U said were were at different stages of life...
Now i know u have the upper hand.
Im the one... "down" there.

I want wat i ought to get.

God, (priscy reminded me that there's always someone else out there) give me the courage to stand on my feet. for myself. on my own. for no one. with no one. keep my tears only for happy moments. Watch my tongue as it stabbed the hearts of many. thank you for making life bearable. and for things which i tend to take forgranted. May you keep those i love and those who love me safe and sound. May tomorrow be a better day for us all.

I havent prayed in god knows how long... but ive been in the prayers of many.. The hearts of those who care. To those special ONES who've been there 4 me. u noe who u are. many thanks..

and Barry if you're seein this,

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!

Dad missed his flight!

(2 loud house phone ringing)
9am:
VAL: *sleepy val walks out as it WOKE her frm her dreams* hello??
MAN: who call taxi!?
VAL: Huh!?
MAN: i cannot find
VAL: HUHH!?
MAN: where is 665A!?
VAL: eRrr

(as u can see, im not AWAKE yet)
MAN: Road works right!?
VAL: Who called cab!?
MAN: To airport. How i know who!
VAL: Ohhh.. Right.. (yes yes. my dad)
MAN: Cannot find larrr!
VAL: Go in by street 63 den turn to 65.
MAN: Okok!! *sounding annoyed*

VAL: Daddy!!! the taxi driver cant find u. where are u!?
DAD: im there mah i saw him i wave to him and he turn away that bloody idiot., *ok. im starting to see similarities*
VAL: okok. i told him directions alreadi.

PHONE RING AGAIN!
*operator announcement* "..... the cab has arrived"
VAL calling Dad: DAD!!! THE CAB ARRIVED!!
DAD: I TELL U!! that guy is hopeless!!! wave to him also cant see n i comfort cab no signal. im gona complain i tell u! what kind of service is that!!!
VAL: ok, i book another cab ... **Calls cab co, book another cab, ** asked if dad needed me 2 fetch him.

So we hopped up the car, and he started complaining just like how i would, raged with fury, obviously dad's kinder with words and he dont curse (with my limited vocab) like i do.

Turned on his Bluetooth, and GOOD LUCK TO THE COMFORT OPERATOR!!!
He complain till the person nuthing 2 say. poor lady over the line.. she muz haf been petrified. my dad's realllly no good to trifle with when he's angry.

Initially dad wanted 2 complain 2 m1, cuz he cudnt call tru to comfort. Neither could my mobile phone. But i did a test, i called his phone usin mine.. n it got tru. I SAVED M1!!!

Lucky for the lady working at comfort, recept was bad, drop call. AND SHE DIDNT CALL BACK. I wouldnt want to either!

When dad simmered down. i ask him. Ur flight at 10.10. check in is 2 hrs b4which is 8.10 .. what in the world are u doin at our void deck at 9.10am!?

DAD: Tsk.. ayah.... my bad habit mah..
VAL: Airports have regulations. the 2 hr stipulated timing for check in is to prevent cases like this.. and ppl like YOU simply wont obey..
DAD: Sure have ppl late mah..
VAL: Yar. Sure! YOU lar.
DAD: *try to change topic* haiya! sure late..
VAL: When u called a cab, it was ALREADY late.
DAD: *Tries harder 2 chg topic* Ehh hlp me call cathay

Hence i proceeded 2 call cathay.. we were caught in a jam. dad missed the flight. Booked the nxt flight. End of story.

Then i went to school. Changed sit here n there.... Decided to sit 2 rows infront of "eric look alike"... paid attn for the first 1/2 of the lesson. and THATS IT.

Felt extremely motivated at work. Made every call a good call. and gave it my Best. and HELL! i did feel motivated!!!! but by 10.30pm.. my shoulders felt stiff... I felt tired... I felt drained... AND i realized im still unhappy.

Prisc called shortly.
I called James later.
Went into the car.
Blasted the radio
Started to cry as i drive.

LOSER.

I need 2 get a grip on myself.
I havent really identified why im unhappy.
as in.. i haf yet to identify the ROOT cause.

If only u knew how i feel.
If only u see what i see.
If only u understand what im telling u.
I can take it.
If i cant.
I can leave.
But i dont want to.... So id hang on.

Nevertheless. to cry is to release. To release is to feel less tense. To feel less tense is to feel less unhappy. To feel less unhappy is to feel happier tmr. =)
Cheerios!

Im unhappy, i dont know why.

im feeling unhappy.
Just plain and simple unhappy.
Feeling all wrecked up inside, and extremely Emo today.
It just suddenly hit me when i was at jame's hse, and i couldnt recover.

Everything seems bleak.
Nothing feels right, and im so freggin sick and tired of everything.
No, james u're not the source of my unhappiness.
Infact, u're the reason why im at least a little bit happy at times!!

Now.. i just feel.. unhappy.
i wana make myself happy, but i cant
i wana make myself feel better, but i dont know how!!
i just want something to look forward to
something to feel happy about.

These days.. there's nothing to evolk those happy feelings.
i just wana go bed now, and i wana feel happy tomorrow.
im in shambles.. sobbing away. and its really dumb because i have no idea WHY im sobbing..
MAKE ME HAPPY!!! i dont care i dont care i dont care dont care!!!
i dont know how i dont know by doing wat i dont know!!!!
i cant make myself happy!!!
here i am wallowing away in self pity.
give me the kind of peace, happiness, and joy that i long to have..
im tired. im sick n tired. Literally.
Fug it lar
if im still in such a mood tmr. i have no idea what im gona do to myself!
knn..

im feeling terrible now and i cant stop
worst still, there's no one here to stop it for me.... sometimes i cant go on, On my own.
I need someone to be there for me.
Both the rational and the non rational me.
and dont say im stupid /dumb / silly / imature to have such moods /feelings.
everyone's entittled to them. everyone has them. Prolly only I blog it out. that's all.
so fug all judmental bastards n bitches out there who think otherwise of me.
dont check back if u're unhappy. like i give a damn.

Memory lane..

i realized tt im really kinda broke. dont ask me why. dont ask me how.
No idea too. I JUST AM! not broke as in no $$ to pay bills, eat etc.
BROKE as in no savings and no $$ for extra splurges. damn it larz.

Had a shit day at work. Was basically coughing my lungs out n sniffing (i mean snorting). Horrible. Especially when im in the middle of a sentense, and suddenly having the urge to release that whopping cough. but i cant!! and there's no way im able to take MORE MCs.

Full day classes tmr. Thank god its my offday!! and thanks to james, i get to drive tmr instead of carrying that bag of pressie alll the way to school for miss KEY CHUA. and miss KEY CHUA, please dont cancel our lunch date tmr okaeees?? Priscy n i havent seen u in the longest possible time!

Happy birthday HEBE!!! may u grow up nothing like your daddy. wahahaha **william's gona kill me**

With no reference to any instance..
Sometimes.. i wish i could turn back time. Undo things.. Live life a different way. Took another path. But if i did, things wouldnt be the way it is now. For better or worst... Life is about lookin forward and moving ahead.. Since time travel is noway near this generation. Wont it be nice.. to take a trip down memory lane? Just to relive some happy memories that resides at the back of our heads.. bring back Some emotions that use to be present, some actions that use to be seen.. Instead of constantly dreaming and wondering where the happy times had gone.

Gosh.. what an emo emo paragraph... Guess it applies not only for me.. But for everyone else.. who may be wondering if happiness have left them.. More often than not, its right infront of us.. and its just up to us to percieve it.

I wonder if you'd be just like before. Was it an act to get me hooked!? hahaha.. I certainly fell for it :P **Kidin**Was i like before!?

Return of the sacred brolly

ALAS!
I've forgotten to take a pic of that biggggg umbrella that has been returned to the loving, grateful, thankful arms of it's proud owner. heh.

Was damn glad when OM passed it to me at work, grinning from ear to ear despite ad jacking my calls! heh. By "the-power-of-the-brolly", i passed all 4 calls! damn.. usualli fail 1 or 2. heh.

James is really a game freak.. game addict more likely. he's playing this romance of the 3 kingdom game on PS2, and his literally stuck there and devoting every available time to the game. He can wake up to play, sleep late to play, ignore me to play, sick also play.. He's just bz meeting the GREAT GENERAL caochao. So what's it with guys and games. there's NOT A SINGLE GUY i know who doesnt have an adiction to a certain game. BM plays his "komputer", and all other guys play war craft, tis n that... Well william plays with girls, so that counts as gaming too. heh..

Despite his addiction, he was early to meet me after work today!!! a great attempt on his part. For that i'm really glad! he said tt he's gan dong tt i got the brolly back for him... =) Guess that little appreciation from him was all that i needed. Satisfied enough.

Headed to Eastcoast for dinner/supper following that, And had a decent fulfilling meal. Our Attempt to "stroll" along the beach was foiled by the coarse, wet, sandy pavement. Total turnoff.. Headed home even b4 we walked 100m. well... No doubt it was just a short time spent with him... Im happy that he even initiated to meet up. I Really dont ask for much. Do i!? THINK IM A GODSEND!!!!!! hahha

OH!!!! HE REMEMBERED OUR 2ND MTH TOGETHER!!! it was me that forgot. I mean... i didnt forget. i was just unaware. I dont even remember today's date. not to mention any special ocassions... Morover... i made a resolution last month, that i will not let it bother me anymore. True enough... It didnt really bug me...

Maybe nxt mth.. if he still do bother to remember, he wont say that he is saying it for the sake of ME wanting to hear it... (get wat i mean!? nvm. i get wat i mean).

Im freggin tired.. Haji tmr.. and there's still WORK. sigh.

P/S: thanks you hilda for the taiwan maggi mee!! wld treat it like my TREASUREEE!

Thank You macs!

I FOUND IT YAY!!!

was never a big fan of Macs. After today, i'm LOVIN IT!! BALA BABABA!!
heh..

The sotong James had to leave his beloved umbrella at macs.
Yes yes.. its just a brolly, but it seems like tis guy has got some "feelings" attahed to it.
Its frm Provost... mmm.. Its tis super big black brolly, with some embossing done. that's all.
But he seem to like it alot, and he claims that its something $$ cant buy.. Right. So HOW can i just sit back and do nothing bout it!?!?!?

No doubt he's already said tt he has gt another one, and he's too lazy 2 get it back etc... I felt tt i really shld at least "try" to retrieve it for him.
Rang up the stupid mac delivery. Sounded really dumb to the Operator, hung on for 15mins + 5mins for him 2 understand + 10 mins for him 2 check it out. and the dialled to west coast mac, explained to the person etc etc etc...

Was keepin my fingers crossed tt they'd b able to find it. i even told myself tt i promise to eat mac when im well, i will eat macs over long john for the nxt 3 times. that i'd wake up in time tmr for classes.. that i'd b a goood girl and not shop for the nxt 2 weeks, that i'd forgo famous amos, that i'd take notes in class etc.. haha.. and many more of those stupid stuff i can only tell myself.. all in hope that she'd be able 2 find the brolly. and YES!!! SHE DID!!!! WHEEE!!!! and i'm sucha happy girl now!! wahahaha..

Next prob. how in the world am i gona get it? it's full day lessons + wrk at nite... soooo .... BM!!!!! BM wld b able 2 get it 4 me!! Know i can always turn 2 my Old Man for hlp! =) thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks so much BM.. u haf no idea how much it means 2 me..

mmm, so why does it mean so much 2 me!? why am i still beaming now!?!?!? hahaa.. it's the feeling of finding something that's lost, and returning it 2 the person tt u love... knowing that he/she wld b happy to get it back.. its a weirrrd feeling.. that supercedes my own happiness. =) Thanks for making it happen Macs! thank you BM... Thank you everyone else who saw it but did not attempt 2 steal it...haha =)

ok, here's another promise. i'd sent a complimentary letter/email to macs IF bm successfully gets it bk and i manage 2 return it 2 james in 1 piece. IF I DONT!!!!! *cracks knuckles** id be the 1st to boycott Macs!!! AND I SWEAR ID BOMB THEM WITH COMPLAIN LETTERS!!!! hmph! so much for working in the cust svc line. haha.

I am so sure william is gona call me tmr morning and hear my sexy *oops* i mean sleepy voice.. damn.. hope he calls after 8 and nt disturb my "beauty" sleep! hah. :P

Embarassment 101

oh fug..
i should write a book entittled embarassment 101. damn.

The bathroom is my PRVATE and PERSONAL space, and its a time of relaxation for me. Im not embarassed to say that i HOG the bathroom when it's showertime at home. Id juz take my own sweeeeet time.

Juz came out of the bathroom, and havent exactly cleared up the place yet. and my bro wanted to brush his teeth. and i said.. "ok! i havent cleared my stuff and havent taken out my lenses"...

bout 10mins later.. i went back

I FORGOT TO DUMP MY SANITARY PAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

WALAO EH!!! damn paiseh now larrrrr
i have no idea how im gona face him for the nxt X years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Feeling sicker by the moment. Having a bad stuffed up nose, tho my sorethroat's gone.
Terrible time in lecture today. I cant sniff it in, i cant snort it out, i have to be discreet, and worst, i lack tissue paper! Not to mention those cramps that i get every other month! =( more MC!??!? heh.. I wish!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fetched James frm class today.. Hmm kinda glad. tho it was juz less than an hr, and we spent most of the time speaking of guailan drivers, i had a sweeeeet feeling. Hope it isnt a fleeting sweetness. YiKez!! still feelin a lil fuzzy wuzzy.. heh.

Thank god ive straightened out my thinking.
Thanks to those who help straighten it out...
To those who supported me, despite not knowing what's going on..
Im discreet. heh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WILLIAM DONT ANGRY LARRRRRRRRRR..
"On" me k!? haha
get well soon...

BoLiao Tests =)

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

HOW ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!!!
Read it james!!! (",)

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

DEAR WILLIAM

SoRRy lar william!!!!!!!!

i beta post this b4 u do anything on ur blog.. (or mine)

hahaa.. you noe i "love" u!! :P
for the drug addict cum PRC that u are..
nope, i do not mind ur sis dwn under. :P
hahahhaha

My choice to change!?

Spent the last 2hours tossing n turning in bed. Something was bugging me. Think i've got it all sorted out now. Or so I think. Enough of all those stupid resolutions which I never make good of. This time, it shall b for my own good if I succeed.

as unfortunate as it seems to you my concerned readers, I shall not and will not divulge it's exact content. Curiosity kills, so don't probe.

I did some reflection upon myself, I need to change. I want a certain outcome, so i've got to act a certain way. Because things aren't exactly going according to the way I wish it would.

My precise "to be" behavior is not a norm nor an inborn habit of mine. I've been led by past experiences n future expectations. I've thought it tru.things would definitely not work out at this rate. for the sad fact tt I'm not that adaptable to chg. And I harp on the "was" n "weres" n I think to myself why things weren't like b4!!. 101 reasons why. 100000001 things that can be done by others, however only 1factor's under ctrl. Myself.

I’ve taken a leap of faith. I trusted my instincts back then, I wanna have faith in myself now.

I'm growing up. It's for my own good.
I can do it. Stay if u will... I need someone. Somehow. My change was brought upon not by choice, but by the acknowledgement that it wld alivate the silent scream no one understands, n most importantly prevent drastic permanent changes to the soul I see feel, deep inside.....

Like I mentioned, its for the good of myself. Some other paths, where I am allowed to remain the same simply ain't an option... Not yet. Don't push me.

Photoblog 2005

Hey!!! it's the 31st already. Goodbye 2005!!
As i was telling william, this time of the year.. (every year).. i'd be telling myself that next year would be a better year. but hey! wait!! i said that last year too!! hah.. This leads to the reflection of my soon to be past year.. Lets just say every day's a brand new day with new experiences, Every one you meet changes ur life in one way or another...

Here's val's 2005 in a nutshell...
(p/s: i hope i can finish this post)
Its non conclusive, and at the same time, restricted to my very very limited memory. hah.

My Photoblog 2005

PS: i've tried my very best to DIG and ARRANGE that horrible ton of pix that's residing in my C:/. Eyes are getting blurry already. Thanks to Picasa, time spent was cut dwn by half :P

I started my official/serious/down to earth/PERMANANT full time job at M1.. The people there are really fun loving, well, with particular reference to the ppl in my cluster. Took really good care of myself and my other batch mates when we just joined. The sups there appeared relatively stern in the begining.. but they're really nice ppl.. Cheok, Adrian, Vif, Jenn, and there was BM there to help always as well as carene... hmmm.. other ppl that i'm thankful to have?? Jerrid, sengchai and kevin for the 24/7 technical support, the YOUNGER crowd like vanassa mandy kenn meryl mya carene leonard.. making the whole place lifelier... Dzai, jaafar, Damien etc.. whom i do not talk to alot, but would be there to clarify any doubts before i get a earful frm jenn :P

In case u havent realized, I LOVE MY FAMILY!!! Im a Daddy's girl, Mummy's girl and a Bigg sis who has much less $$ than her lil bro. Mum and dad has been especially accomodating to my wrk schedule, making sure i'm safe at home before they sleep, and dad trusting me with his car! They've been relatively healthy in the past yr.. lets hope they'd b equally healthy and happy in the coming one..

Studying for exams can be funn too! esp with the right company.. We mugged really hard, well.. hard enough to scrape through that is!! =) our face ballooned up during this period of time, and used the maximum number of oil blotters possible. but guess what!? we even made time for the movies, phototaking, and Gossipy stuff.. My conclusion??? BUBBLE TEA'S PEARLS MAKE U FAT!!!

OH.. and i'm like so into those stuid board games! haha.. the dumber the better!! there's cranium, the animal game, monopoly, rumikub. etc!! settler's cafe's a must go!! had hoards of fun there with the girls as well as the jerks! GUYS! hah. sum guys just try to push their luck... freggggin bastards. hypocritical. bleaHhh... their immature just turns me off sumtimes. This taught me that.. MATURITY has got NOTHING to do with age.. gRrr

2005's also the year where i Met my evil twin KEY CHUA!!!!! she's like the noisiest girl i've ever known. if u ppl think val's noisy. key's valX10!!! hahaha.. But i LOVE HER TO BITS!!!!!!! she never fails to cheer me up, and she gives me calls to let me noe she cares. Man.. i'm glad i gotta know her tru priscy. Wished we mustered the courage to get to know each other 1 year back. hah. but its never too late rite!?

I feel pretty when i'm with them. it's like a bunch of pweeeeteee girls marching 2gether.. hahaha. Getting the attention of guys isnt an issue at all.. it's GETTING THE ATTENTION OF RIGHT GUYS!!! prisc always seem 2 get the guys larr. pissing me and key off.. guess that's becuz key n i juz lie on our beach mat, TANNING while priscy n carol Runs about! heh.. Now that key n val's attached, lucky prisc wld haf all the guys! bleah!

OoOoohhh and CLUBBING CLUBBING CLUBBING!!! i LOVE clubbing!!!! well. with the right group of ppl of cuz! namely HOTTie prisc!!! i wonder WHY, but.. i REALLY do NOT dance with guys.. direct friends yes. indirect friends? Fugg off.. dance floor? "Lay ur hands on me and u die!!" priscy and i even ahd to kiss, and act as tho we were lesbians to get guys away! hah.. mm what else? i love Lychee martinis and that's like the ONLY thing i drink these days.. no mor Downing of drink.. cuz i get really realli mad and wild! hah

Those crazy FUnn party days with my m1 peeps are prolly over. heh. We dont go out as a group anymore. Guess i'm prolly "out" of their group. why? cuz i'm attached? we cant get along? different "thinking"? behaviour?? nothing personal.. just that... mmm guess those days of hanging out together are over. they're my colleagues... Wish they could be friends too... Can we?

Now who DOESNT have regrets? we all do.. things we should have done, things we DIDNt do.. all the what ifs.. Well, no point looking back... but i cant hlp regretting. Friendship which wasnt kept, promises not fulfilled. Deciet, and everything else. I cant change the past... I can only REMEMBER and REMIND myself... that i will NOT let it happen in future.

More M1 peeps.. =)

WAKEBOARDING!!!!! something which i wish i can do more often.. lack the $$$$ larhhh damn it!

Heh..SEE i told u! we look pretty good rite!? :P If its anything that made my 2005 bearable, Brighter and Cheerful, it's becuz of Prisc and Key. Thanks dearSS

My Xmas eve at Panpac.. Totally diff frm last year! hahaha.. onli similarity would b prisc and drinking?? hahaha.. with newly made friends like kenneth, greg, edwin, etc..

2005 made me realize my Feline obsession has increased!! haha.. well, dogs, yes, but i'm more of a meow meow person as well! heh.. and GERBERRAS!! my fave flowers still,

As 2005 leave w/o a trail... ask urself.. have u truly lived!? mmm.. what else?? got my birkens, lost a BIG wisdom tooth, did a car show.. Became a photoslut... hah

Most importantly, the year 2005 sept 11th is the day i asked james to be with me! hah. Kinda gutsy for a girl huh!? well.. of cuz he likes me also larrr!! my skin nt like rhino's skin larr.. haha. Best of all, tis guy likes taking pix with me!! hehehhee.. frm the days which we went to skool to study together, our 1st date (cant rem subsequent ones).. to the wedding we went together, Xmas, The first time we got caught by CNPB in a raid. hahhaa.. Memories of 2005... Kinda short... but more to come for sure =)

Not as if there's very little pix of me.. but WHO CARES!!! MORE'S BETTER!! MY BLOG MAH!! wahahhaa. a lil narcisic now! hah... oh.. 1 more resolution for 2006. "Learn a different smile"! :P

Heard tis on the radio:

As u take a big step towards the coming year. Spent some time, turn back, and ask urself, have you truly lived?

I have.

happy new year everyone!

May the year ahead be a better one than the last!

i THINK i juz packed.

i think i just packed my room...

i THINK so lar...
well.. aparently, i trashed lots of stuff, packed my old books/notes and stashed it into the cupboard above, Did a hard reset on my PDA, entered my coming sem's school and work schedule, as well as cleared up some other stuff in my room..

SO TELL ME WHY IS IT STILL SO MESSY!?!?!?!?

Bro's right, my room's big.. just that i filled it up too quickly. and too well. hahaha

Went to JB for seafood with my family today. Love ocassional night-outs with them. Talking bout some ol times, jokes, and antics by by dad. =) Da-bao-ed HorfuN for james, as he was unable to join us for dinner. aWw.. too bad. nxt time yea!??

Im counting down... my days to sleep 12 hrs are limited.. =(
Schedule nxt sem's kinda packed. and Priscy n i have unresolved issues.. Regarding........ U shld know what lar babe.... =(

Nitez.. BED time... Bro's prolly gona drag me 2 buy a hp for him... THERE GOES MY STAFF PURHCASE.... solves the prob of finding a phone with high profit margin, finding a buyer, trade in for another phone, blah blah blah. Solve the prob. Not gona make ani $$ =) juz give the "offer" to my bro.. and Damn it! i still owe him $40 bucks!

To Lyd: YES!!! i aint working very hard animore!! no more OTs... leave me an SMS k? not sure if u changed ur number.. tts y ive gota go tru iris! haha.. reali hope to see u soon.

just wana cry..

im upset.

I just wana cry....

fine, i already am crying... it feels good to juz cry ur hearts out... guys may think it's a stupid move, but WRONG, ask any girl, and she'd tell u that more often than not... she doesnt know the reason why she's crying, and MOST importantly, she'd feel better after she cry!

Its scientifically proven that crying reduces stress/tension and what's nots. so BOoHOoHoo!!! thumbs down to those of u who dont belive in crying, and insistent on keeping ur back bone straight, and that crying's for babies.

there's no particular reason as to why im crying. juz feeling pekchek i guess... AND, other ppl's feelings rub off me as well... i felt pekchek, and after i realized james was pekchek with his own stuff.. i felt equalli bad...

Oh damn it.. show me some light, spark, a sign a whatever.. just make me happy, and make me STOP being so whiny. and FUCK! i hate it when ppl dont reply my msgs or answer my calls. To hell with everything lar.. Ive had enough.

When im upset, i act on impulse. i dont wana be impulsive... because i make mistakes when im impulsive. Fuck it lar... I do not want anything 2 affect me anymore. Have i made a mistake again tis time!?!?!?!??? have i set myself into a trap... where i cant get out of?? out of impulse?? i dont know and i dont care. all i know now is that i'm DAMN DAMN DAMMMMNNNNNNN unhappy!. someone... bring me a choc ice blended....... =(

yeah.. im emotional. That's juz me. Take it or leave it. and do i look like i care if this post is incoherrent? Read my lips. "I DONT".

Burnt Out

Now to tell u the truth, i fell totally burnt out. Feel as tho i've worked like a cow.. In addition to my weekly work schedule of 6pm-11m work daily except weds n sats. I worked an additional 1 hr on thurs till 12 mid nite, an additional 8am to 1pm on fri morning, 830am to 1230pm on sat morning. It's sunday now, just got back from work, on mon and tues morning frm 8am-1pm, i'd haf work again, followed by normal work in the evening frm 6pm to 11pm.

Now who am i kidding!? i really really am feeling very very tired. Know i applied for it, and it serves me right, n i haf 2 look 4ward 2 my nxt pay.. BUT, im starting 2 feel that there are things which $$ cant buy. i.e. TIME. SLEEP. and its depressing to know that skool term starts on 3rd Jan, and i will NOT have many chances to get 12 hrs of sleep. To make things so totally worst, priscy's bday present is not done yet, xmas presents not bought, not done. i'm so totally screwed. Tried cancelling my thurs n fri's OT. i SERIOUSLY wont b able to hold out any longer. Those who do know about shitty "people" i deal with at work, u shld understand. those who dont, just understand that it feels like shit. hah...

Havent washed a car in the longest time, and today i WASHED A CAR!!!! wont say it's very nicely done, but..... it rained once we left the car park. hah! What a work out tis weekend! Caught "The Promise" and i must say it's quite good =) went all the way 2 changi, in an attempt 2 catch sight of "big" stars, and "strong" wind.... all we got were a trail of bbq scent, hide n seek moon.. haha... OHhhh and i bought a jacket!!! or rather, James bought me a jacket. :P im in charge of wearing it! haha... THANKEWWWWWWWW... but i'm letting u off easy if it's a treat for gettin ur bonus! hah.. **kidin** hehe..

On the lighter note, here's some pix due 4 viewing.
Mum n myself, at crystal jade. MY TREAT.. for the first time! hah


KeyChua and myeslf in Mambo's fitting rm


Priscy n myself in attempt to tk a self portrait of the xmas tree.


A pic of a gift.. made for someone.. not too long ago... Doesnt take a genius 2 guess who it's 4 :P


So SooOoo screwed. I've gota complete priscy's present. xmas present. more work. etc etc etc. wait. have i already mentioned that!? gaWwwddd... i need a shower. and i need 2 head 2 bed SOON. =( wana watch teevee =(!!! i miss........... doin things i wana do. in short. i hate work! i just love $$...

Insecure Wed

Passed an Offday, Just like that.

Enrollment
Window shopping
Nightsafari Ben & Jerry
Pasar Malam shopping with mum
Dance Class
Supper with James

Hmm. seem like quite a handful.
Nevertheless, i clocked close to 110KM in mileage, spent bout $15 on parking/ERP.
I'm broke.. Pay's finally in. and how in the world am i gonna survive till the end of nxt mth!? There're so many presents to buy.. presents to make.. =(

Havent been left dumbfounded for the longest time.
He asked when was the first day we met. I cant remember.. He did.
Then he said, This is wat he calls SIGNIFICANT. like when we met, our 1 yr 2gether, etc. NOT 1 month. Then he mentioned, what the fuck is 1 mth etc..

Honestly honey, dont use that word on me. It never fails to make things unpleasent. Perception. What's impt to you, may not be important to me. What's important to me, may not be important to you. Period.

Feel as if i'm walking on tight ropes these days.
Dont wanna make him snap. If he snaps, i'd fall.
I feel small and little.
Insecure. No more elaborations needed.

Wish he didnt have such effect on me.
effects are present, cuz there are feelings involved.
Feeling Pissified now.
Guess some things are better left unsaid.
Past left undug..
Future left untold.

stared at the RRRROOOOUUUUNNDDDDD moon..
emitting an aura of serenity..
Making the "star-less" sky seem less empty..
I start to wonder. The sky's so high.. i'm just another unhappy person out there.
There're lots of other less fortunate ppl.
Cliche i know... But true nevertheless..

And when i turned to look at THIS...

i cant hlp but give an exasparated smirk once i recall what he said.
All anger of mine (if any) wld just subside,
Problems solved for the time being
Worries set aside
Confusion set straight,
Misunderstanding Understood,
I'd simply juz be left momentarily blinded by happiness and Pure Bliss.


He bought them back frm BKK. and said:

"The gerberras i bought you wld die, and you'd throw them away.. Got you tis plastic ones.. so that they'd never wilt.."

Swear was super gan dong at tt moment. and he didnt even bargain...

I shall just drift to slp with "the moment"..
Irregardless, of my insecurities, and how unhappy i made you.... I still love u.

The Blody Rich, Humble poor, and Half FUCKs

.Singaporeans.

The Bloody rich, Humble Poors, and Half Fucks

As u can tell, i'm only against he half fucks, Hence the ommission of all negative remarks towards the first 2 type of singaporeans. AND by the way, all comments are based on VaL Chng's limited 20 (and counting) yrs of biased, narrow minded knowledge, prejudiced perception of supid people , in summation with experiences met via unfortunate incidents in this very warped world. Cheerios.. READ ON...

Lets Just start with the Bloody Rich.

as it goes, they're BLAR-DEE rich, that they cant really be bothered much with nitty gritty details. These people are educated, have a sense of humor, AND best of all, know their matters.

TRAITS:

• They mostly keep their car keys IN their pockets and not ON the dining table
• Tips are left in Notes, and with the reciept book CLOSED.
• They dish compliments with an aura of class and manerism.
• They dress in casual slacks.
• Formal wear are Strictly for business.
• Non flashy cufflinks, nor montblanc pen coming out of their breast pocket
• Get their wife or secretary to buy stuff for them, since $$ is not much of an issue
• Dine where ever there's nice food, be it Foie Gras, Char Kueh Tiao, or Rotiprata.
• Have time to Rest and Relax.
• No need for a credit card.

Moving on to the Humbly Poor,

They're people who KNOW they are not that well off, but have enough to make ends meet. face the fact, how many truly poor ppl are there in sg? where they cant even afford to buy toilet paper? I may say i'm poor, but no, i CAN afford toilet paper.

TRAITS:

• They are polite for a start
• Aware of their financial standing
• BOTHER to give tips, be it coins, or whatever they can afford.
• Do not make purchases that are way out of their budget
• Pay their credit card bills on time if they DO have a credit card
• They say please and mean it, Thank you and sound sincere
• Use a "parker" pen (ok, i'm stereotyping) and keep it in their briefcase
• Drive a toyota and remember where their car is and NOT use the alarm
• Make "la kopi-ing" at the nearby Kopitiam seem like a cool place to hang out
• Bother to offer others a lift when driving around
• Let you know that pricing is expensive, admit that they do not have much $.
• Dress in their best Giordano top, Hang ten bottom look plesant

LASTLY, here comes the half fucks.

They're neither here, nor there, trying too hard to blend in, not making the cut, and worst of all, allowing everyone else to know they belong to the Half Fuck category. CONGRATS losers!

TRAITS:

• They leave their Toyota car key with BMW keychain on the dining table
• Leave tips in notes esp when they've got a dining partner.
• When not willing to tip, they claim the service is bad.
• Make a big HooHaH out of nothing
• Threatens to complain, be it to IDA, MOM, MP or even Devan Nair. (wait, do they even know he passed away?? God rest his soul)
• Dine at seemingly posh places, Claiming food is good (due to pricing), tho the chap chai peng auntie's apprentice's new found kah kia can cook better!
• Articulate words like my "appartment" (meaning the 5room flat his/her parents own), my "secretary" (the admin staff in his office), my "party" (the bottle of chivas he opened at dbl0), my "Holiday" (the weekend trip to eat seafood in msia), my "Spree" ($80 spending at Forever 21, with 30% discount, and loyalty rewards card, 10% shopping voucher, in addition to the 5% discount the manager gives after being a FAMILIAR customer aka. complain queen) many more..
• Aspire to buy Gucci, Prada, and whatever that Hilton lady and her best friend is wearing.
• Fashion statment means spotting that latest "Look" that was featured on FEMALE mag. WHICH was obviously meant for models. OR the winter season.
• Ensure that the 5th C of a diamond is NOT known to others, . i.e. Cut, Clarity, Carat, Color and the 5th being COST SAVING. bloody cheapos.
• A Bargain hunter wanting to look posh.
• Insists on a cocktail even on ladies night. Cummon, Vodka's free flow u noe!
• Insisting paris is Romance city, without even knowing if people DO kiss on the streets, and being HIGHLY conned by korean drama.
• Giving the "i own the world look" while seating in the car, trying to make a modified Subaru run like Ferarri, Nissan March look like Volkswagen beetle, and tinking their Toyota camry is a BMW equivalent.
• NEVER remembering where their car is, needing to sound that sickening alarm for as long as it takes to make everyone turn n stare. HeY! it's called ATTENTION
• Dreaming of dubai, not batting an eyelid to redang. My question to u "frequent Travellers" is that... , where's DUBAI!? ................... (go google it)!!!! it's in UAE. What does it stand for?? United Arab Emirates. hah! guessed as much. STUPID in caps.
• Buy make up and Not skin care ... (ok, i'm digressing)...

MY POINT IS

Dont make me dispise u furthur. go take ur high class dream, put it under your pillow, pray that Zhou Gong will grant ur wish, when he lose that round of chess to you. HELLO!!! wake up ur idea!!

haha.. enough of my random posting. Just some thoughts tt id wana take down, incase i never make it into the Bloody rich category, and happen to uncontrollably slip into the H-F circle.

Enrollment tmr.. DANCE class too! hah.. wonder how it'll turn out =( somebody CONTROL me and tell me NOT to buy dance apparel!!!!!! No idea why... but somehow i'm really lookin 4ward to tis weekend.. a weekend of seemingly promised fun, enjoyment, and company. A weekend of making up, making out and making sure. Let me NOT regret forsaking my $80 worth of OT pay.. =( I know i wont lar!! hahahaa..

Nitez... i Swear prisc's gona b late tmr. mark my words... she said to meet at 11 at clementi. i'd post tmr, letting THE WORLD know wat time she's gona reach. hahA..

Are you out there, it's me.. valerie

gosh. i'm so bloody bored. Wrong word. "SIAN" is a more appropriate.

I feel so so so damn sianz lar.
Someone, bring me to xu liu shan please.....
How about a nice date? just You and me? any takers??

Dear God,
Are you out there? it's me.. Valerie..
(tittle as adapted frm "are you there god, it's me margaret" frm Judy Blume)

Wake me up!
Make me snap out of this need to WANT more of my own life.
Make me feel contented with whatever i have..
whatever i own.. no matter how big or small.

Dont let me covet for the impossible,
Dont allow me to wish for things which i long to have,
or even Feelings which i long to feel.

Just let me Be contented,
and at the same time,
NOT neglect my own feelings,
Nor b too sensitive.

Let someone see what's lurking behind those fearful eyes.
The fear of losing myself once again..
Let someone feel what some others felt
Just let me be at my very best!

People learn, People grow, People change.
Dont make me a victim of circumstances....
Allow me to do what i want, say wat i want.

Who took away the courage to express?
Who's gona allow my freedom of words?
Who made me irk, and feel ill ease with myselF?
Who rebutted the verbal expression of my heart?
EVERYONE said it isnt them.. and they'd never do that.
Infact.. they already did.

Makes no sense???

It's part 2 of:
YOU THINK I GOT GA LAN OR NOT!!?!??! - sometimes, it's onli nice when it comes out of williams mouth. ONLY williams mouth. and maybe yanglun.

As continued frm ytd's post. hah.

a Life without ups and downs.

Is my life peaceful or what? These days, think it's no ups, no downs for me.

Good??
So val has always said tt she wants a stable life..
Can i change my mind??
I rather have an interesting one.
just to rid of my monotony..

How interesting can things get man.. i really wonder. Guess tis is life. When i look at guys, and realize tt most of them are starting to bald, it goes to show that time's flying really fast. How long ago was it tt our hair were just starting to thicken!?!? Now most of my male friends are starting 2 either have receding hairline (aka, the M-shape forehead) or the "di zhong hai" losely translated as .... (Nevermind). OK, it's called the bald patch.

with time passing me so quicky. Doubt i'd have time for an "interesting" lifestyle. i'm Gonna be boring ol val. Sian.

where's there excitement that comes with everything i do?
where's the enthusiasm?
where's the eagerness?
where's the comfort of just doing the stuff i do without seeming too childish?
Where's the ability to act like i dont care?
Where's the confidence to believe that i'm the best?
Where's the control i have in my emotions?

How should i behave so that i would SEEM that i'm not affected by other's perception?
How can i not be bothered by how others think?
How can i not be hurt by passing remarks unknowingly lashed out?
How can i stop being so sensitive?
How can i get the telepathy i once had?
How can i not feel negative?
How can i get the feeling that i am perfect?

Somethings just need to be induced.
Some promises, just need to be kept.
Some truth, just need to be told.
Some lessons i need to learn
some Other things i need to remember
Somethings... just cant be helped.
so Shld i let circumstances take over?

Show me the spark.. that was once there...
or is it my spunK that has died down??

I've goddit!!!
I'm just gona be me.
Take it or leave it.
(yeahh!! here comes the self confidence)
Enough of trying to be nice and good.
I am not.
Being yourself is always v impt.
If i'm not good enough.
So be it... However.... i know im the best. hahahhahaa
(Sorry.. it's a bad habit picked up)

NahHHHH juz feeling a lil... a lil monotonous.
Hence the ranting.

"EH hello! my bloG! u tink i got gah lan what u think!?!?"

OOps!

Post fury

Back from OT. It's either the people who call in the morning are nice by nature, Lady luck's smiling on me, or i'm less crude + Judgemental earlier in the day. It's 2.13 on my PC, and technically, i should have just gotten up, but NO, val just made 40bucks! enough for popcorns and movies for 2 on a weekend. So how about a date sometime soon??

Almost fell asleep while waiting for the bus, Fell asleep while IN the bus, Here i am at home, and i know i cant sleep. or i will NOT get up in time for work.

Walao eh.. i still do get jittery feelings these days. especially after i read certain msgs frm J. when he msged me askin me how i'm feeling and not to be upst abt last nite, and i almost teared again lar!! it's a mix between being gandong that he actually msg me and he's still concerned, and partly becuz i'm reminded of those feelings last nite. walao eh. Guess it's the lack of sleep. **useless val**

mmm... thanks william/yang for ur tags... and priscy + key for the sweet msgs + offers to go out with vaL.. =) no worries. I can manage. It's nothing much.. GIRLS! hah! mafan species.. when you cant do anything about THINGS, just Heck it.

At least these days i can voice my opinions. Still remember the not too distant past... where i had to keep views to myself. A single comment of mine will easily spark an argument, and the supposed pacifier would become pacified. So why in the world did i even make comments or voice my opinions back then!? hah. i could have saved lots of arguments. :P This time round. I shall just say whatever i feel. No point feeling constipated. Whatever reaction i get, so be it... I dont wish to have a constipated relationship with me feelling upset and not having anyone caring. Whatever the out come. so be it. I survived so many... i dont see why i cant survive another.

tsk.. having those lil heart aches now... they come in lil spasms. catching me at moments i dont realize. someone cure it please. =(

Now that i mentioned that do

the very last "happy 1 mth" of mine..

The very last "HAPPY 1 MONTH"

Now this is gona b a post of fury...

Once again i've been labled as a "little girl". FINE. I never thought i was "little" and i never once doubted my level of maturity. Today however. i realized, that. somethings that matter to me, need not matter to others.

Told greg that it was 1 mth since james n i are together. and he said "haiz.. little girl.". Nope. a comment from him wont do much harm. Its juz that James thinks this way too! It seems that this 1 month mean nothing 2 them at all!!! so what's their perception of "WHAT VAL EXPECTS?" they think val wants gifts/presents and everything nice??

**TEeeeHHhhH***
So wrong. All i wanted was the "thought".. i just wanted you to say "happy 1 month dear". Just that!!! or perhaps just say, lets go out 4 a nice meal, just you and me on sat. It need not even be lavish food. It just has to be Me and You! to put it simply. i just want you to remember. If you do remember, why not just SAY it out. SAY that you do remember. I reminded you.. i told you. i sorta made a hoo ha.

Yanglun, William, Nai, *any other guys* correct me if i'm wrong.. But.. these things dont matter to guys anymore does it.??? With the proclamation that TIME does not matter, and that im special everyday.. does it mean we will not celebrate the 1 year aniversary (if there even is one). So guys say that "every day's valentines day" So would you buy me flowers everyday? No. Then to hell with the saying that "everyday's valentines day".

To sum it all. Guys expectations (or so they say) and GIRL's perception of things are different. *fair enough*... I cant change the way god made those egogistic male and how they think. And i cant help but fall in love and feel attracted to those hot blooded creatures because i'm Hetrosexual. Guess i'd just have to LIVE with it.

I am NOT going to whine on the 9th of every month, saying that he did nt remember, and i feel like shit, and that i am deprived of feeling special just once a month. *even period come once a month and last bout 5 days!!!* so what's one day of the month!!!?!?!?!?!!??!! I am so not gona put myself down.Since im the "up and about" kind of person. AND Since i am in no position to control others or change how other's feel, i shall just jolly well NOT bother about them, and not change them... who am i to change the guy species anyway.

I shall change myself. The only person you have full control of is urself. From today onwards. the 9th of every month shall not mean anything. There will not be any "happy 2nd mth darling" or "happy X mth darling". NO MORE. I'm kidding myself if i say that i can forget it in a FLASH. But i shall try and by sheer will power, just heck everithin. On the 9th of every month. i'm sure priscy, key and many others wld remember. I'm sure james would too!! =) so would i. but it would just be another ordinary day.

I'm just saying that. it does not matter if he doesnt wish me or doesnt make me feel A little more special on that day. james is right. I mean something to him everyday. I respect your decision, and i see sense in ur words. Hence... No MORE month shit. oh.. does 1 year/2years count? does it?? tell me.. DOES IT!?!?! it does yeah... it prolly does. tts y ppl celebrate their birthday once a year and not once a month.. ok, i think i'm really silly. k lar k lar... i'm a little girl can? fine? a bloody kid!! FUck i'm 20, not 2000!!!

Forget it. I was so upset i cried after greg comments and after putting down the phone with james. I freggin cried till my water proof mascara came off! (time for a new one! *points at wish list)... The tears was becuz i felt hurt. that im considered "immature in my thinking" and that james doesnt bother about this DAY that matters to me (or so i think). After tears and feeling hurt. i Felt Pissed. told priscy bout it while hearing her speak of some BASTARD, after that i felt it was relatively comical. Just that we dont see eye to eye. that's all. Something small.. became something big.... because it meant SOMETHING to me!!!!!!!!!

the "SOMETHING big" now means nothing to me. Since i cant control u, i shall control myself. U always said to Tell u if there's anything on my mind. I did. afew days back. on the day itself, i did again. What's the point of telling anyway. hmph. Forget it. it's over. Dont mean anything 2 me now (or for the time being at least.. until something changes my mind..)

If i can keep that person i use to love so much OUT of my heart and NOT shed a tear for him ever since that fateful sunday.... Its definately due to sheer will power and nothing else. AND. i can do anything i set my mind to. If i say it's out.. it's out. Dont try me, dont test me. Call me childish, "little girl", irational or anything you want. From today onwards. the 9th will not mean a thing.

You're right. Everyday's a special day. in that case.. i'm just gona deprive myself of 12 "super special" days a year. and settle for 365 special days. Good bargain rite!?!?! heh.. that's provided you keep up with the pace and standare you set for yourself. Prisc told me never to expect. Look wat happens when i expect that being 2gether 4 1 mth DOES mean something 2 you?? look... it only landed me in tears. No val. dont expect.

OT at 8am. tmd... why the FCUK did my itchy fingers apply OT.. do i really need the $$$ damn it.

Updated wishlist!

Fiddled a little wif my wish list on the left. aka. Shopping list by SANTA VAL!

Realized that 60% were made possible/given by Mr. J.. :/ am i like over reliant!? Damn it. Cannot Cannot. Prisc will kill if i were to do so much as to take forgranted anything i have. I can always count on my babes to "Snap" me back to reality. She's brutally honest. and i really appreciate that. It keeps me standing FIRM.. or at least anchored during rough times.

GREEN COL ITEMS are my must gets, PURPLE's pending, and BLACK is gone case. haha..

Went KTV with Key n Priscy. As usual, Key's the KTV queen, prisc n i were supporting actresses. Just like AH*Mei and her sisters in thoes MTV... Key's AH MEI, priscy and i are the sisters!!! hahaa.. now we know who has the "powerful" voice. Didnt come accros as suprising tho!! heh..

Oh.. Another reason why i like being with them.. i can just cry, and girls being girls. we understand. They didnt give me the weird look when i cried after watching the MTV. WalAoo it was really damn sad!!! me being the sua ku, cried as it was my first time viewing it. They gave me a hug, and it didnt come accross as being weird/over emo. Bet if i was with guys/some other weird girls, they'd have given me the "LOOK" or.. i'd be hiding those "tears".. Ehh.. i'm really very EMO larr.. haha.

Had to be a pilot 2day and fly priscy/key's aeroplane. :( worked OT on my offday. I cant help it. i just need to make as much as i can while i still can! Dont ask why. There's NO particular reason. not xmas, vday, bday.. nothing. it's just the NEED to NOT feel broke, NOT feel dependent on others for $$, NOT be 100% taken care of. Think im well taken care of already tho.. =)

Sometimes i feel like a princess.. ok. NOW i do feel like a princess.. was queuing up for the stupid mango salad... and those stupid aunties had 2 cut my queue time n again. Being fed up, i msged J, and headed home. After work at Westcoast mac, he passed my "suprise" to me.. MANGO SALAD!! Now how sweet's that?? Vif asked how's my honeymoon.. =( the frown wasnt becuz it wasnt goin well... but becuz of the fact that it's a honeymoon.. well come to tink of it, i never HAD a honey moon wif eric.. This time round. i'm not sure if it IS counted as one.. For one, i dont wish it WAS a honeymoon.. i want things stay the way it is.. or get better!! not him.. but me including..

1 more day to our 1 mth 2gether. he asked me not to "count"... hmm fair enough. BUT I"M A GIRL MAH!!! all girls sure would count! those who say you dont, go spank ur ass, face the wall and WAKE UP UR IDEA!!! haha. tts not the worst idea. He didnt make mention of anything at all, as tho he didnt remember. ok, fair enough he DOES remember. but.. not even a meal 2gether? mmm.. nothing special's ok. but .. not even meeting up??? and best of all, he's goin to his friend's birthday. and he use to like this girl ALOT.. **green eyed monster comin up** so what if she's attached now.. im still green eyed! Cant help it. dont wana hlp it either. im feeling wat i'm feeling, so juz heck lar. he likes me being myself... all girls turn a lil green at times. dont they!? but i'm "controlled" lar.. hahaha.. not the unreasonable bitch.. Just the timid gf.. who wants to act as if she doesnt mind infront of her bf. Trying. But i'm green cuz feelings are involved. if theres no feelings, then i wont even bother! at least i know he wont see my posts till the weekend...

WAKE UP UR IDEA VAL. . so it's true tt ur friends find tt he's reali sweet/nice and gona do something.. Like prisc said once again.. Dont expect, Dont compare.

Xmas/Bday shopping tmr. Gosh i'm gona b so broke!!! :(

show me the $$$$

Thinking my xmas shopping list, and starting to worry
Looking at my Bank balance, and starting 2 panic
Wondering wat i should get for myself, and getting disheartened. =(

Someone said he'd get me a birkens.. but he would never have the chance to..
So many things i want, Not many things i need. heh..

Dad always said to buy with ur brain.. not your heart. He said that since i was.. hmm 3? 4? Now that i'm a freggin 20 turning 21, i've still yet to learnt the lesson.

How often do we really buy things we need, and not what we LIKE? (girls i mean, congrat, guys are known to be more rational)..

with 101 things in mind.. i doubt even my OT pay would make up for 1/4 of it. =(
I just want to be able to buy the things i want to buy, and not worrying about having enough $$ for my nxt meal.. or meals in the month to come.

Tink my auction fetish is back.. How bout a GAP mahogany rhinestone hobo?


Sponsors.. anyone?? heh..
available at yahoo auctions.sg
=(

AND THERE ARE SO MANY MORE SUPERB STUFF!!!

other than the lack of $$ i'm CONTENTED with life as of now. heh..

may i find 1Million SGD in my room tmr, and not be arrested for graft or anything of the sort. :P hehehe..

"HELLO!!! WAKE UP UR IDEA!!"

Quick update

Guilty as charged. Havent been bloggin for... 6 days?? And i'm too lazy to refresh this dead memory of mine.

Let's work backwards.
Just came back from doin OT. 2nites in a row, i'd work frm 6pm to 11pm, break for 30mins, and i'd work frm 1130pm to 530am(yesterday) or 430am(today).. Its really different working at night. not that stressed. Just very............ hmm lets just say it's different working at night. totally different "style" relatively laid back i'd say. Mr J was supposed to buy me supper, but told him not to bother.. (val's on diet lar).. He said he's goin jogging, and in actual fact, he bought my fave Crystal jade Xiao Long Bao, and herbal tea!!! Gave me sucha sweet suprise! hehee... recieved his call for "help" as it's realllllyy confusing in IBP at night. Hmmm having him as my bf.. it's like "tio 4d".. Really HENG!!!

On sat James got his new car, and he chauffered us to and fro East Coast. Picked the girls up, sent priscy back (and took vodka frm her place). And in the meanwhile he had a wedding dinner...on sunday, chauffered me to work, and wanted to fetch me back. WalaOooo... i felt damn guilty. he was rushing for his dinner, and Honestly. i want a boyfriend. not an "ahmad"... Really touched by his actions.. Really Really Really.... i feel so taken care off. My pals feel taken care of too! Rrrriggghhttt!?!?! ;)

Anything prior to sat, i'd need to refer to my PDA. Seriously what's wrong with me.. my memory seems to be failing.. Or do i not bother remembering? perhaps it's not that significant. That's why i dont quite remember. irregardless, i'm an extreme procrastinator. Hence i'm not gona put up the photos of whatsoever event or even write into details. I cant. Gona take ages. Check out Priscy/Key/William/Yanglun/Chris's blog for pix and everything else. Val needs sleep.

Oh. Next here's ONE VERY of the few pissifying things u can do to me, to make me UTTERLY PISSED!. After a nice long relaxing shower. i was back in my room, stripped naked, slathered cranberry body butter from body shop all over my body, applied face cream, my hair all out of my face and indulging in the sensuality of it all. MY MUM HAD TO KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND ASK ME TO GO OUT AS SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ME!!!.. walao ehhh.. so i had to dress, talk, come back in and strip again. like WTF... DO NOT disturb me when i'm not dressed and wana be left alone. Damn it.. it's 5.30 am lar!

Ohh.. last night. after working OT. i was such a klutz and was searching frantically for my corp card.. hence i "unloaded" my bag, only to leave my make up pouch in the cab. Onlyrealized it was gone when i had to make up for work. PANIC. I had no pins, no rubberband, no sunblock, no NOTHING. I left for work, with only moisturizer and a hairband on my body. Suprisingly, it felt good!!! My face did not "churn out as much oil" as it usually does, cleansing was done extremely easy, i did not look EXTREMELY bad (or so i think). It'll be a resolution to be less reliant on make up, and just let my skin BREATHE. Thank god the pouch was returned by the kind taxi uncle, whom i'm so gonna write a complimentary letter for.

Appart frm my over reliance on make up (and the very fact that i put those i always use in the pouch), here's why i panicked.

1. Clinique Foundation + Case= $70
2. MAC Concealer= $35
3. Fancl Eyeliner=$30
4. Bodyshop brow pencil=$15
5. Vanilla Mint Chapstick="priceless" frm the states
6. Blusher= $25
7. Blush Brush= $ 28
8. Clinique Super Cityblock= $50
9. Fancl Mascara= $45
10. Fancl Eyelash Curler$25
11. Box of pins and Rubber bands= my only supply $3

Approximately $320!!!!!!! Rough estimate, and based on BRAND NEW replacement cost. so glad i got my stuff back. gave the uncle $10. PheWww... =)

Bedtime. For once in a very long time... I think my life is great!! i love my girlies, and i love james.. who loves me just as much. No major worries. Thank you God. Really grateful.