IGNORE THIS POST.
its like for val's info only.. so...
Skip it. please. i mean...
just scroll... see! so long.. so!? skip it larr!!! why read.. shoo..
and i mean it. ugh..
i havent even read it.
one day, when i do... i hope i wont shed another tear...
in short, today has been a long day,
but tmr's a new day...
ok. im like really depressed. when i saw the paper i was in a state of shock. until i realized that everyone else around me knew what they were doing.. then i knew wat was happening.. im totally LOST! it wasnt because i didnt study.... i really studied!!! i studied very hard too!!! god knows how had i studied. =( i started early... i worked late. i took leave etc.. but at the end of the day. it was all for nothing. i knew nuts about the paper.
Section A
20 t/f.. id b happy if i could get through that... and like get wat? 13/20?
Section B
3 choose 2
1st question.. can crap. but its all crap. no theory no logic, no nothing..
2nd qn. all formulas! worst still same formula for ALL PARTS! and i had no idea wat that formula was all about. oh oh oh wait. here's the better part its just fig A times fig B... ohhh wait.. here's the best part. i got it CORRECT!!!!!! just that i didnt do this qn in the end too risky.
why? cuz i didn qn 3! all crap again and i got it wrong. sighh...
i left the hall hoping tt ppl didnt know how 2 do so tt they'd moderate. but NO.. everione knew how to do.. everyone except me.... im doomed for sure.. went to the toilet.. met prisc.. and i knew i haf 2 b prepared for the worst. its the 1st time i take a paper, only to come out knowing im doomed...
walked to the busstop in a daze.. msn'd al on the way to work.. and i almost broke into tears as i was telling him about it... msged mum, and she called me as i was on the IBP bus... my voiced changed immediately when she asked if i was fine... my voice was breaking up, and there seem to be a lump on my throat.... and then tears started streaming down... that was the first... went to work... i looked like a ghost expressionless and not the usual me... and what? everione tells me things like.. "its ok! be a tai tai!" or "its ok! will moderate" or "Pls lar... everitime ppl say fail never fail"... even "nvm fail fail lor.. nxt sem take again" or "concentrate ur energy" or "look forward 2 the next paper" or "u never know till the results are out".. oh gosh. these words make me feel worst. they make me PONDER more... ugh..
work however was a "cherry" time for me... i was super nice to customer, talking to them took my mind off studies for the moment. and today was apraisal 4 me.. hey. i did well!! really well!! wow.. i improved by 20% and that's a feat in a call center! ohhh and i got a high grade for customer svc :D whEeeee.... sometimes..i really love my job. really do... heh.... too bad tt i cant stay there always...
when i got back home... watched tv, chatted with al.... checked if i can take it next sem again etc... i finally broke down.. i cried and cried and cried.. yes i know what a cry baby. ugh. to think i was saying that its impossible to fail exams . i eat my words now. eating it, and im very very full. but i really studied. i really really really did. if i didnt study i deserve to fail. but..... **wails**
the 1 person.. who's in my shoes. and i know this sounds a lil sadistic, (but she feels the same) is Lya.. i think she's just like me, and she's gona flunk the paper too. i was happy when i talked 2 her online. cuz she's upset! no. im not happy cuz she's upset. but becauz she's as upset as i am, and she says the things tt made me happy. and vice versa. lya... i hope we'd pull through... we will... we will... **fades off**
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Here comes the second blow of the day. i dont know if i should even be talking about this.. but i guess id just have to blog it, since its a "memorable" day of my life... Chatted with james online as he's helping me with a favour. told him about my predicament. and he was trying 2 make me feel better just like everyone else have... he bought me ILT frm 651. put it outside my door. that's my alltime fave drink... i really appreciate him making me happy... but its over between us... and i hope that he isnt getting the wrong idea.. hence i msged him to thank him, at the same time to clarify things.
im in a whirl pool of emotions now... why!? cuz he has changed significantly.. he use to be the guy who wont admit his mistake easily.. and he's kinda selfish at times too.. but now, he's even admitting that he was selfish in the past... he isnt trying to win me back... he's just happy for me that im happily attached to a great guy. He's happy that im happy, no doubt he still loves me, and he's not the guy im with. Is that what you truly call love? i wish there was 2 me. 1 to make him less sad.... 1 to stay with al, so id b happy and al'd b happy.
Here's his words which brought much tears: (as tho its not enough for today)
He said that he's never thought that id give him another chance and he'd keep me as a good friend always.
he's happy ive got a good bf, knowing that im much happier now he's happy for me too! he knows that he did wrong things in the past, and that was because he wasnt comitted and took everything too "cooly", and was selfish in the past. he's even understanding himself better now and changing for the better!
He's been having sleepless nights, and everynite he was "talking" to me in attempt to fall asleep.. telling himself that he once had a great gf, and he lost it since he didnt treasure.. he'd always regard me as a special friend even if he were lucky enough 2 get another gf
he knew that i never meant to leave.. just that the selfish side of himself... had made me do so.. the selfish side which himself failed to see and realize...
he knows it isnt my fault.. and im not to be blamed... he'd always be a good friend and a guardian angel of mine.. and he means it..,
it was right for me 2 find my own happiness
he told me to let go and treat him like a normal friend.... fromt he day he told me he felt close to me, he knew that he'd never be able 2 treat me like a friend should we break up. cuz im like family to him...
his sadness will slowly subside. and he wants me to be happy
he wont forgive me, cuz he's never blamed me...... he said its his fault that he couldnt give me security
he cant forget me cuz of all my traces.. but he'd move on as he's stronger.... he has dreams, aspirations... and that i thought him how to understand a girl.
its my life... and shld go ahead and be happy! he wont blame me for choosing what i want an my happiness...... he thanked me for the sweet memories
he realizes tt guys are bastards and they will never realise something nomatter who tells them.. and its only when something bad hapens.. that they know it..
i cry after every msg i receive from him. it makes me cry even harder. all of a sudden. my paper seems like a small matter. i can retake the paper nxt sem. even if i had to retain another sem, these time can be earned back. but i lost him forever. i choose to give up. because he just wasnt the person i could love. he was selfish with his love. its only when i left him and found my greatest happiness that he had to change.
This is a vicious cycle. had i not leave him, he'd never have changed. had he change earlier, id never have left... now that i left, i wont go back, and he has changed. Isnt this ironic? but this is life isnt it.... i feel as tho ive ruined him. i asked him if my happiness would be his sadness... and he said that he'd be happy if im happy... at his point... im sobbing beyond control and that's because im clueless and ive got no idea what to do. my future with al, is like HERE. yet my past is creeping in on me once more.
how can i ever have a happy life, when i know someone's being sad while im being happy!? its like a tragic ending for us. but it has come to an end... Life's full of unpredictable stuff... im the type that likes a clean break. i wanted to make this a clean break. it has. but now..... it has just came back... its the first time ever in my whole life that i am placed in such a predicament. no it isnt a predicament, cuz he isnt asking me back as he know i wont..... im just upset that i made him so sad... im so sorry james. i really didnt mean for things to go this way. i dont want u upset. but how can i make u feel better!? there's only one me. and the choice is obvious. i dont want that old life. tho u've changed... but its because of me you've changed. what can i do to make u feel better? please forgive me... forgive me for being selfish... for looking for my own happiness, for falling in love all over again. i dont wish to hurt u furthur.
i wish i could have a hard knock on my head, so id forget all that's happened.... not because the good memories are terrible, but because i cant seem to live a happy future knowing that he's happiness is at stake. it would be so much better for me to hate him than to be guilt ridden... but like he said. im not guilty of anything........ the vicious cycle... remember? it seems as tho life's a big joke now. hah
just when i thoughtt the situation was so so terrible... things took a sudden turn, and seemed small and insignificant. my current trouble with james... isnt exactly a trouble. its a stone in my heart, weighing it down... i wish al was here, to hug me and tell me its okae... i wish he was here to hold my hands... saying that its alright as he'd always be by my side.... al brought hope of a nice and brighter future. how can i ever unturn the stone in my heart. Please be happy james. cuz if dont.. it'll be hard for me to! whenever i take a peek into the past... id see a glimmer of you. please let me walk ahead..... i cant walk back u know that. i cant and i wont. so why make me slow down.... u've let me go.... yet why am i feeling held back?
Al... u're entertaining the "elders".... when u c this, hope u wont feel offended by this post... a blog entry to me...... is like a memory.... this is a memory.. just a memory...... only a memory...... soon to be a faraway memory. do u feel my sadness?? and ive only had 1 meal today and im not hungry. somethings wrong! im tired. its 3.30. and ive been crying since 12.... 3.5 hrs. power house. cry baby. freak.
good bye sadness.. hello happiness! praise the lord!