Oh... So much about ranting on my below average mood.. Time to blog abt what i initially wanted to blog about.. feeling a lil emo emo now..
MY BIRTHDAY.
Not so much on my birthday celebration plans or presents or whatever... i just wanted to blog about why i do not have a birthday party. Honestly.. when i recall other friend's birthdays.. or look at blogs about friends celebrating their 21st.. I do feel a tinge of sadness. =( and maybe a pang of jealousy as well.
Just realized in the shower that....... The blatant truth is............. I DO WANT TO HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY TOO!. its was never about the finances. its most definately not about the organizing. neither is it the time im lacking.. NOR about me not wishing to turn 21.
.
.
.
.
Its about me.
ME feeling embarassed.
ME worrying that no one's gona come to my birthday party.
I know it sounds dumb. and honestly... i know it wont happen if propper planning were to take place.. and with some excellent help ive got! but still.. theoretically speaking it IS so... but ive always got this mental fear that no one's gonna turn up! Hence.... ive never had a birthday party. =( face it. which girl doesnt wana have a splendid 21st birthday party. at least i do... but i just cant get over the fear. The paranoia...
Those who know me well knows wld definately know that im very affected by emotions, gut feelings, and dreams and opinions... When i was young. as in "KINDERGARDEN" young.... a week before my birthday.. my mum said she'd have a party in school for me.. i said ok.. and told mummy to wrap more sweets n nice stuff for my classmate. That night.. i didnt sleep a wink. i was so afraid that no one's gonna sing my birthday song. i was so afraid they wont like my cake. i was so afraid they wont like what mummy gave them. I was so afraid that my then "best friend" (her name's Yen Yen by the way) would not be in school.. There you go. little val at such a tender age, already concerned about people's opinions... that's just me.. its in my blood. dont tell me not to mind other ppl's opinion... tell that to a little girl.. do you thinks he's got control over how she feels?? do you think u can even talk logic to her? Guess its an inborn trait..... which can never be changed.. *sigh*... and when i finally did sleep. i had to dream that i was the only one in class that day. *balls!*
When my Birthday finally came. i dragged my feet to school...
THANK GOD! EVERY ONE WAS THERE!!!..... at tea break time... mum n bro came... everyone gathered.. took afew photos. shortly after. i broke into tears!!!!!! i didnt scream n wail... it was those big fat silent tears... Not tears of relief, but tears of embarassment! it was damn obvious cuz my eyes turned red. When the teacher n mum asked why i cried and WHY im so silly to cry on my birthday.. i cried EVEN more. **Yeah yeah.. telling a crying kid that its dumb to cry. how smart.** I just couldnt take being the center of attraction, with everyone looking at me. i didnt like that... i just didnt.
Family celebrations always turned out fine.. with ppl close to me.. celebrating with me.. im always fine.. all these years. If u think that embarassing crying streak's gona stop. you're so wrong. i cried for all 3 years of my birthday party at kindergarden. Even have the pix to proove it.. wanted to snap a shot of it.. but the reso's real bad... EVERY SINGLE YEAR. i had to bloody cry on my birthday. just because everione's looking at me. and im er.. shy????? (i suppose so!!) i mean.. it sounds dumb now that i think about it.. but that's what happened to val.
My last birthday party took place on 24th march 1993. when i was 8 years old. By then. i was old enough to hold my tears. I didnt cry. at least the pictures didnt show... However... the horid sensation still etches in my mind. Me.. holding back the tears of embarassment.. when they got ME and my then best friend (Chen zhen zhen and Gena Goh Mei Wen) to Stand infront of everione, hold the mic, and SING A SONG!!! we had to sing "siao sa zhou yi hui" by sally yeh.... ehh... back then no one went to KTVs ok... AND YES!!!!!!!! i almost CRIED!!!!!!!!! (again)
U must be thinking its weird huh... val being so shy.. and val being an introvert when she's always so noisy and attention seeking. But if u realize.... im noisy only OCASSIONALLY... and i dont like to catch everyone's "attention"! im usually 2nd class attention. that's why im always mmm.. 2nd popular in primary/sec skool... hoh prisc!? she's hero n im sidekick! hmph! :P....
Time changes a person.. but Some traits will always stay..
Sigh.... now im finally turning 21 (in 12 days) and i sure am unhappy bout it. Its prolly the PMS like i mentioned in my 1st paragraph.. but im sad. Another reason.. is because Shimin and Celin promised to celebrate it for me. And ive lost them. I celebrated both their 21st birthdays. and i made both a memorable one for them.. but they wont remember mine.. even if they do.... i dont think they'd make an effort to wish me... AND im sure if i see them on my birthday.. id definately burst into tears. Dont even try.. im not risking it.... wont wana blog when im 30, listing all series of unfortunate birthday affairs.
Id just spend time with a couple of my close pals.. another dinner with my family.. go out with james and maybe some others on the 25th.. and.... That's bout it. Some of you may think that... birthdays are birthdays.... 21st 1st 5th 10th 100th.. they're still birthdays and SO WHATs the big deal... honestly.. i dont care how u spent yours or wat's your idea of a birthday. it's MY birthday.. and im fretting about how my 21yrs of birthday was spent. think about it.. we can never go back to our 12th birthday again..... can we. Birthdays are benchmarks in life.. where you look back and reflect upon where the path you took led you..
Ever looked back at ur photos and realized how much your parents have aged?? While you and your siblings have grown significantly your parents have grown old..... I wish mummy and daddy were young again... i wish i would always be 7 yrs old... where i was happiest.. =(
Really depressing to think about aging.. and childhood fears.. I suppose id just spent all my birthdays with my loved ones. yup yup. that's what id do... oh... and FACE IT. you dont LOVE all your friends that turn up at your biggggg party. LOVED ONES... not the "LIKE ONES"
Goshhh my supply of tissue paper just got cut back by 10sheets.
In life.... its not what we could have gotten...
But what we already have.. and always will.
With that said... i shall leave my bitter sweet childhood fears in this blog... and close the "chapter" for now.. doubt it'll ever be brought up again. not in a long while that is.. meanwhile.. i shall try n stop pmssing. While the above post is 100% factual.... i shall RESTRICT my hyperactive imagination.. and stop thinking of james leaving me. ugh. stupid dream ive got... simply spoils my day.. :S
Bed time...!!!! cya tmr iris... if u're seein this...
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